we're all looking for our person (stream of counsciousness part 1)

yes, i have already blogged today
but when you have some thing to say you have something to say, right?
i will be off on a random rampage
my steam of consciousness, i guess

you know when you meet someone, and you just sort of say to yourself:
i want to know everything about that person
like, i could defiantly sit and watch a sunset with that person and have a completely intellectual, mind-boggling conversation with him or her.
i actually want to sit and talk and tell everything about myself to this person:
and they would listen to you and you would have so much in common;
it would be magical.

not romantic, it doesn't have to have all the pressure sunsets have,
but you would connect and everything would align correctly in the world for once as you just talk and let the pieces of the intimate conversation fall out into the open, with no sudden urge to fill the silences, with no unquenching fear that the other person would be "weirded out". but you would use complete honesty and complete openness.

the saddest thing is that, throughout the years, (and im not that old)... there has only been a small [infint's] handful of people i would want to share my personal life with.

right now, there is this one person that i just want to run up to and be like "can we just please pass all this get to know each other/ awkward i only know you from this one party sort of thing, and just sit down and get to know each other?" but seeing as someone actually doing that is socially unacceptable, im "sitting waiting and wishing" that time flies and we pass all this unnecessary crap until we can get to the real thing.

what is the real thing though? i guess, im still looking for it, just as much as everyone is. everyone is looking for that one person, a best friend, a mentor, a lover, a sister that they can just sit down and be completely honest with.

why, do people never answer the phone on the first ring? why? so we look like we are super busy before the person at the other end of the phone hears us say "hello"? why do we all walk around pretending like our lives are this great american soap opera when we just have to admit to ourselves that stuffing our lives to the brim with all this unnecessary crap is never going to fill the void we have to have to connect with another human being.

we're all human, and we all desire to have that one person that we don't have to play games with. that we don't have to fill the silences with. that we don't have to feel ashamed in front of. that we don't have to pretend that we don't need them, when we do. its all games we play to comfort ourselves and remind ourselves tha we are not alone. but, why can't we just admit that we are alone sometimes?

im on a hunt. for that someone. that one person that i can be completely honest with, that i can say things like "hey im just not in the mood today" or "i missed you" to or "i love you" to.

no, NOT a boyfriend that we can send cutesy valentines to, or check off "5 MONTHS" on my calender about. im not looking for an empty romantic shitty relationship with this person (the Lord knows, i don't need one). im looking for someone to fill that void we all have inside of ourselves. that void that is filled when we have real conversations about things that matter, with people we care about.

damn, sometimes we need to sit ourselves down and admit we are all looking for a friend. someone that you'll know that when your in a coma, that person will be there holding your hand until you wake up. someone that you'll know when you get off that 14 hour flight, they'll be there waiting with a cardboard sign with your name on it like an idiot because they missed you so much. someone that knows how much you care about them because you feel comfortable enough around them to let them know how much you care about them.

we all need that someone that we can feel completely vulnerable with, and not worry about the consequences. no matter how much shit you confess, you know that they can handle it. and they know, you'll always be there for them. a unmoving irrefutable knowledge that keeps both moving in the same direction.

yeah, and while we're all writing in diaries, writing in blogs about our hopes and dreams, thinking about the future, and worrying about the past, we sometimes wish that the person (that person you want to be your person) is watching/reading/listening to what you have to say.

why? because you want them to know about you, and right now your too scared to connect, because you aren't sure they'll stay to listen to the end of your tale. so, in the mean time you waiting on the side lines. waiting to share yourself with that person that doesn't even know you think about them. simple things like, i hope she/he is doing well.
something as simple as that.

im looking for that person; we are all looking for that person.