as time sprints out

i cannot fucking breathe.
i cannot fucking type.
i cannot fucking think about anything besides how you keep coming into my life.
i thought i left you behind.
i've tried everything.
i go on not thinking about you for days. but then you pop into my head, and i push it away.
but what do you FUCKING THINK i am supposed to do when i actually see a picture of you for the first time?
my heart starts to beat faster and i cant even breathe right now.
you're so innocent in that picture.
... you like so much like me and my father.
to even think, you look so much like me.
to even think, you look so much like.. what i used to look like.
what am i supposed to do?
there's no way to meet you.
and yet, in a way, i love you.
but i hate that you have to fucking look like me and my father.
why.
how am i supposed to live in oblivion, which i wish i could.
when you've already taken your first steps when you've already said your first words.
or maybe you havent, i don't know.
all i can do is keep breathing.
but i can barley do that when you keep coming up.

i can barely even hate her either, but i know i should.
im so scared. i don't think i have ever felt more scared.
that im running out of time for you.
time is just running so fast, as i ignore the huge problem staring me in the face, it becomes more and more too late!
what am i supposed to do?
im powerless, i have never felt as powerless in my life.

i cannot ever meet you.
but i will always love you.

im crying as i fricken write this but as much as i wish i could blame you.
i can't.
i wish i could just say it's your fault! but even i feel so guilty and responsible for not trying as hard as i could for you.
hate and love are both raging inside me.
all because of one innocent being.
you will never know how much i love you.
but i don't know if i can fight for you, i've tried.

grow up strong baby brother.
i love you. please please know that i haven't abandoned you.